I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
