My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
