Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
