she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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