Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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