I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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