Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
