Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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