I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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