i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
