you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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