Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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