I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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