dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You are the jesus of drinking
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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