We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
