I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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