Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
