I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
