I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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