I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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