I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
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I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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