any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
