Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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