And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
...so i touched it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
