Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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