I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
