turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
