so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
