I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize