I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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