After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just puked most of my soul out..
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
