My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?