She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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