I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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