we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
