I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
