my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
