If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
