apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
