he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
