he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
