Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
