Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm gonna fight the coyote
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
