Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize