his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
3 2 1 whiskey
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
