So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
