life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
