Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
