Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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