You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
