our cab driver is having phone sex.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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