i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
