k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
