It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
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Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.