I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning