My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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