Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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