I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
